just a thought

Was it meant to be?
It is all up to them to do
What can I choose?
But it is all up to me

Is it the shadow on my soul?
Now what are they trying to say to me?
Oh they did not know how.

All of them seven to eleven
Fight the feelings
None of these is easy
So what am I gonna do?
It’s just a thought
Gone, in a blink of my eye
I have no idea what happened to that smile

Hold on to my vision
That is what I do
Now that I’ve lost it
I could be homeless
I could be helpless
I could be sleepless
That is what I do

I hear the stars
I smell the earth
I feel my years

It is there, carrying on.

my 22nd birthday~life is a maze

long time since my last post, the longer i live, the less i write. tragic! tragic!

today is my 22nd birthday, to tell the truth, I’ve never ever had any birthday celebration since i started school. the reason is that the end of June is always a time for exams. thinking i would be able to celebrate and have a genuine birthday party after my graduation from the university, though the reality let me down again today.

you may wonder why i didn't celebrate. ok! let me tell you what an exciting day i've had today!

i went for an interview in xiasha, (where my lovely university sits). that is my forth and final interview for the senior foreign affairs specialist positon. the interview includes a 15 min prepared speech (with slides) and a 15 min impromptu speech. there would be a Q&A time after each presentation, which functions quite like our graduation thesis defense.

thank to those presentations practices during the 4 years and the thesis defense experience, i didn't feel nervous at all. instead, i can sense the great responsibility i shoulder for this position gives the first impression on the foreign customers' mind. in the presentation, many senior interviewers and senior directors (most of which are ABCs) would pretend to be our customers and give me tough questions about anything they wanna ask.

thinking the audience is only pretending to be our customers, i didn't feel any pressure. because even if you've f**ked the interview up, you may not damage the company's image.

so there i went!

before my presentation, quite shattering though, i was informed the most and the 2nd important customers were joining the meeting! that was what they call a "short notice"! tell me they were joking, please! they are! yes they are REAL customers! GOD! MY GOD! worse still, those GODS were both ABCs! F~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~K! my heart was going to pop

i was trying to ease down and focus on my presentation, telling myself that you were presenting your graduation thesis, you've had loads of researches on it so you will have no problem giving them satisfactory answers. oh how i hate the way it happened to me ~

my speech went well despite those two American GODS. then suddenly, tough questions came! out of nowhere!

those were questions that were even tougher than those I’ve had in my thesis defense~ it was not until then did i realize how easy my defense was!

they kept asking their IMPOSSIBLE questions for an hour (they used timer!) and it seemed they just couldn't get enough; afterwards i felt the overwhelming hunger~i always feel starving after terrible interviews, maybe because my brain is during lots of energy.

my first birthday after my gradation was spoiled again.

though stepping out of the company, i felt it meaningful to have had such a challenging interview.
but luckily, i had a chance to dine out with instructor in university and chatted a happy chat over dinner, let's call that a celebration, then.

神奇的一天

今天是神奇的一天
一共收到六个面试电话
有让我去南非做驻外翻译的
有模特儿经纪公司
有美国网络游戏公司
化学材料公司

今天还去那个闷骚的公司面试了

这些公司里就投过的就俩
以前怎么投都没几个反馈
今天真是暴发户了

真的是不可思议 今天怎么回事？

这几天心情很是不是一种常态
但是总比前一段时间好
前一段时间总是在低谷的阴霾里飘散
而现在却常常在平流层翱翔

而有时却又会滑向地面
带些阴凉 但又充满平静

不知道成功之后回过头来看这段日子
会是可笑 可悲 或是可怜
抑或是难得

这些日子里 看清了很多人 很多事
看清了人要怎么活着
怎么在不同的地方保持同样的心
怎么苦中作乐

这样 以后就知道珍惜有些人 有些事了

冲出

最近好像从阴霾中走出
但一切一切只是好像
看到中门一家可怜的人啊
觉得自己就没什么理由哀怨
其实也是这样
有时羡慕别人忙碌着
但却没看到自己幸福着

我试着试着
只能自己骗自己

每次上FB
看到他们那么灿烂
就暗想 中国人是被什么压着
压着压着 笑容没了
心理也弯曲了

于是释然了
何必呢
路边的野花 很香很香呢
也许只是不那么正派

到后来回头
这一片废墟将是永远的印记

无语面试

今天去面试中青留学 玉古路的那个 本来对培训 留学中介是根本没什么想法的 加上昨天经历了灵川的超级笔试 面试之后 狂累 所以根本就是去忽悠忽悠的 而且我连自己申请的是什么岗位都懒的去查 连他们在哪里都懒的去知道

精神恍惚地到了那个地方之后 发现咋那么小啊 才几个人 而且每个办公室之间隔音超级不好 那些女的唧唧喳喳 烦死 在讨论什么早餐 鸡蛋之类的无聊话题 而且每个人穿的都很正式 忽然想起一句话 是这么说的 穿的很正式的公司 要么是银行 要么是皮包公司 要么卖保险的
这样一想之后 简直想走人出去爬山了（今天天气不错的）

面试开始 一个满脸怨妇情节的男人出现 也是皮包公司相 先问 你爸妈干嘛的 你有男友吗之类的无聊私人问题 感觉我隐私严重被侵犯 想想算了 赶紧结束面试 去爬山 没想到丫一堆无聊问题之后 让我做一个一小时的中翻英 一张密密麻麻的A4纸啊！娘的！当姐姐太有时间了是吧！姐真的很想问他 这样有意义吗 姐真的很想走了 当时 因为我根本没打算来 而且来了之后这公司没有任何吸引我之处 可是又说不出口 于是就开始很sucker地翻译 娘的 全都是金融类长句子啊 专业术语啊 无聊至极 我真怀疑他们是不是没人愿意翻译这个文件 把姐拿来当免费工人使了 姐写字的时候是怒火熊熊 熊熊了一个小时

还剩7分钟的时候 姐火了 出去跟前台说 我就停在这里吧 再下去没有意义了 加上我在翻译那么紧张翻译的时候 那帮女人外面唧唧喳喳不停 真想杀出去 然后前台那女的 很震惊地看真我 觉得姐很拽 他也不想想 姐都翻的火死了

然后她让我等 姐火死 难道他还想问我家存款多少？但是还好 那个男人说 你好走了 姐于是大义凛然地走了 再也不去了 骗子公司

超强HR

接连几天的面试，各种行业都有，其实算上上学期的话，我找工作都找成妖精了。各种各样的面试官，从开始的惊讶，到后来的习惯，真是有痛苦也有意思。
一直不想放弃。自己也很纳闷，同学也为我感到奇怪，为什么一个老老实实工作的，能力也还出色的人会一直没有找到。因为现在时间越来越紧迫，所以每天会不由自主地去反省。怀疑自己是不是老了，每天早上自动6点半醒来，没有一丝睡意。
现在想想，其实找工作这个过程虽然很痛苦，虽然我现在还没有摆脱这种痛苦，但也很塑造性格。从开始的初出茅庐的尖锐，到后来的故意乔装，到现在的自然流露的顺从与低调。今天我在想，最后到底会有什么“怪胎公司”和我签约。真的很想知道答案，而且我也知道这个答案即将出现。
最近两天的面试，和以前不一样。也不知是什么原因，这几次的面试，面试官都会齐刷刷地在面试结束后当场说你不适合，并且告诉我为什么不适合。这样其实对一个人的心理承受其实是很大的挑战，但在更大程度上，这样的面试官会对你很有帮助，虽然我当时真的很想杀过去，可是正是这些人以专业的眼光告诉你 你的问题在哪里的时候 你才会更有针对性。
今天遇到一个超级无敌HR，中智的，很专业，眼光很准确，我有点讨厌她，但是很佩服他的专业能力。她说：你的问题在于你 主观意识太强。 她说 我能看到你的能力 也知道你很敬业 但是你这样做的前提是你要认可这个东西。 哇 她这么一说 真是说到我心里去了 我暗自想 怎么连我自己都归纳不清楚的问题 你能帮我归纳这么精辟啊 而且就在这么短的时间内 当时真的好恨她 但更佩服她
不过这个也是算我一大收获了 以后的路上 我会更清楚。

failed, again.
though i know it's hardly possible for me to get that, i could sense the depression and emptiness at the failure notice. maybe i should not hope that much at the very first beginning because my fate says i do not belong there.
now i am starting to wonder where is my next stop and when can i find it.
the dorm building is almost empty now and no one can tell how i am feeling. is it the same feeling as i was doing the summer intern at EF? no! it's not. back then, i felt lonely but filled with, if i can say so, exhaustion, it's the kind of tiredness after a full day's achievement.
i am a weird person, i look high, so high that i can hardly reach, and what's more interesting, i am kind of enjoying while suffering from this.
they've been asking:"what would you like to be in the future?", this is also the question I've been asking myself. though i always forget about this when i am hurrying to my next "stop".
looking back on the ways that the others have been walking through, they are so different yet all inspiring. but where is mine? i wonder.
am i clustering energy or simply making no progress at all?

tired of it

this weekend, I'm still waiting for the notice from Microstrategy. I know i was not the best in logic thinking ( the focus for this position, as far as i know, lies more in analysis ability than in English level ), i should score higher in the English part. been thinking over the week about this crucial interview and everything about job hunting. few people from our grade is on campus, they all flew out and now are working. most of the time, i am jealous of them for they have a place to go at the moment, though not the best place. but sometimes, i may console myself, pretending that i was doing my intern at EF, and I've got my full time looking for another job while the others don't.
tomorrow is Monday, the first workday. if i still don't have a answer from them, that may mean i failed.
i don't know why i am so devoted to this company that i feel like crying at the failure notice. is it because i put too much hope in it? is it because I'm desperate for working at an IT company or is it because I'm exhausted in hunting my job? and i guess there is another reason: i am lonely on this road.

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice [x3]

And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years

nothing left by Faye Wong

last night, when the air was cold, i first heard this song, called Nothing Left.
the voice of Faye is as always, soft but sharp, calm but heartbreaking.
i do not listen to any other Chinese singers' songs, except hers. it's hard to explain.
that is what we call emotion, i guess.
the bass drum in this song is like the cold icy rain on a cruelest April night, beating my fragile heart.

我把风情给了你 日子给了他
我把笑容给了你 宽容给了他
我把思念给了你 时间给了他
我把眼泪给了你
我把照片给了你 日历给了他
我把颜色给了你 风景给了他
我把距离给了你 无言给了他
我把烟花给了你 节日给了他
我把电影票给了你 我把座位给了他
我把烛光给了你 晚餐给了他
我把歌点给了你 麦克风递给他
声音给了你 画面给了他
我把情节给了你 结局给了他
我把水晶鞋给了你 十二点给了他
我把心给了你 身体给了他
情愿甚么也不留下
再也没有甚么牵挂
如果我还有哀伤 让风吹散它
如果我还有快乐
我把眼泪给了你 责任给了他
我把烟花给了你 我把节日给了他
如果我还有快乐 也许吧

朱砂痣

when would this loneliness come to an end?

after I've found my another half?

after i 've got the best friends?

or after i can read my mind?

or never ever in my life?

when would this loneliness come to an end?

when would my life mean at least something?

Eileen Chang once wrote: perhaps every man has two women like these, well, at least two. if he marries the "red rose", and after a long time, the red would become "mosquito blood" on the wall, while the white rose remains holy; if he marries the white rose, the white rose would become a rice sticked to his clothes, while the red rose remains a red hot mark on his mind forever.

张爱玲《红玫瑰与白玫瑰》摘

也许每一个男子全都有过这样的两个女人，至少两个。娶了红玫瑰，久而久之，红的变了墙上的一抹蚊子血，白的还是"床前明月光"；娶了白玫瑰，白的便是衣服上沾的一粒饭黏子，红的却是心口上一颗朱砂痣。

(转)《重庆晚报》大胆载文纪念谷歌

（from http://www.bbc.co.uk/zhongwen/simp/china/2010/03/100328_chongqing_google_guge.shtml）

《重庆晚报》网站上，文章标题仍在但已经无法打开。
《重庆晚报》周五刊登“网络神兽古鸽迁移记 ”一文纪念搜索引擎谷歌撤出中国，转往香港。

文章开门见山地说，“古鸽是一种目前在中国境内濒临灭绝的鸽属鸟类，是一种搜索隐禽”（暗指搜索引擎）。

这篇在该报第32版头条刊出的文章尖锐辛辣，一些平常只见诸网络而几乎没有在中国印刷媒体出现过的“河蟹”（和谐）、草泥马等词汇均在文中出现。

文章说，“在20世纪末至21世纪初的一段时间，它曾经遍布世界各地，但在2010年3月23日以后，该鸟类开始大规模往中国南部沿海的一个港口迁徙，从此在中国内地绝迹”。


生态恶化


至于原因，文章说，“怀疑该鸟类的异常行为和最近全球气候极端化，特别是中国近几年来频发的大面积生态、环境、气候和地质灾害有关”。

文章然后以寓言般的神话笔法谈到，古鸽“身披蓝、黄、红、绿四色羽毛，比家鸽体型稍大。鸣叫声和英文单词'googol'类似"。

“已知古鸽的天敌有河蟹、中国蚊祚蟹等蟹类生物”（后者估计暗指谷歌与中国作协的版权纠纷）。

文章还影射了谷歌撤出中国可能使其竞争对手百度受益。

文章说，“古鸽的离去很可能导致另一种长着熊爪，酷似古鸽，却又习性不同的猛禽类——犤毒鸟，这种古书中传说的本土鸟类数量呈爆炸性增长”。

文章的网络版已经被该报删除。有中国观察人士指出，在重庆当前红色歌曲、红色短信得到官方鼓励的政治环境下，这篇文章的作者和《重庆晚报》可能会因此遭到整肃。

blogspot姐回来啦回来啦XX

姐回来啦 亲爱的美丽的blogspot！今天晚了，现在这儿留个记号！明儿回来好好写！哈哈 在希望的田野上！